I know no one wants to talk about 2020 anymore, but we're going to for a minute.
When everything fell apart, I wasn't okay. That spring and summer were times I spent working from home, sitting in an uncomfortable dining room chair with a laptop infront of me and watching the hours crawl by. I stopped taking care of myself. I ate just because I needed to in order to survive. I barely drank water. I didn't have a routine. It took everything in me to roll out of bed for a Zoom meeting while we all worked from home. It took everything in me to so much as look outside because I surely couldn't go outside. That year, I felt alone. I was forced into uncomfortable and toxic situations. I worked from home. The only real rejuvenation I felt was when I got to sit outside with my bible study, a group of beautiful women I now feel can see me (and every ugly inch of my heartache). Once summer ended and things looked like they would be normal, I felt almost okay. Almost. Then we had to work from home again and so many people that I care so deeply about expressed concern for my mental health. They had seen through the walls I thought I had constructed to hide myself behind. So, I told myself I would never feel like that again. I started going to counseling. I started drinking water again. I made sure to go outside every day. I started prioritizing the people who I knew were life-giving and not those who drained me. I started diving more into the Word. I started letting myself feel again. I am an emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat (or a supermarket opening, as my wonderful grandmother would have said). As I forced myself to pick up my pieces and start handing them back to Jesus, I found myself healing. Again. But through it all, the heartbreak, the falling to my knees and weeping, the feeling like my faith is a slippery slope I just can't hold on to, even though the spiritual warfare I can feel right now, I have had God. I have always known He's there, even if I can't hear Him. I tend to notice Him most when I am at my breaking point. This blog is something I know He has called me to do for, uh, years. Y E A R S. Enough about me. More of Him.
0 Comments
|